December 29, 2011

The Five Worst Fashion Trends of the Year


2011 brought many good things. The new iPhone. “Watch the Throne.” The sudden, increased appreciation for Ryan Gosling.

But there was a lot of bad too, especially in the world of fashion, where it suddenly became acceptable to go outside without your pants. To paraphrase Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon, what, may we ask, the what?

No Pants 

PHOTO: Christina Aguilera at Agent Provocateur showing thigh, Oct. 20, 2011.

Madonna and Cher started it. Lady Gaga brought it back. Rihanna and Beyonce followed suit. And now, it seems like everyone including misguided Christina Aguilera over here thinks it’s OK to eschew pants for tights, pantyhose, or sometimes, nothing at all. On stage, it’s all good. When you’re buying toothpaste, it’s not.


PHOTO: Mariah Carey walks around town, Dec. 23, 2011 in Aspen, Colorado.

Infants get to swaddle themselves in a single garment. They have limited mobility. We can’t confront them with a button fly and expect anything but a blank stare and maybe a little drool. But as adults, we can conquer clothing closures! We don’t have to completely disrobe to use the bathroom! So let’s exercise our right to wear stuff from the grown up’s department, shall we? Mariah Carey, Ryan Gosling, and Justin Bieber, please lead the way.

Harem Pants

PHOTO: Anne Hathaway attends 20th Century Fox press day For "RIO" at Zanuck Theater at 20th Century Fox Lot, Jan. 28, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.

There’s a reason these things went out with ancient Egypt. Anne Hathaway, you are lovely, but why you would clothe your lower half in flapping sails of polka dots is beyond us.

Shoes That Claim to Tone Your Rear EndPHOTO: Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner attend the SKECHERS Shape-Ups press conference, Nov. 22, 2010 in Beverly Hills, California.

At this point, you should know that anything Kim Kardashian endorses ought to be taken with a plate of salt. The jury is still out on whetherSkechers Shape Ups and similar shoes help or hurt your fitness goals, but one thing is certain — the boat-like monstrosities will not give you a behind like Kardashian’s, which was bestowed upon her by her genes or the Gods, whichever you’d like to believe.

Dressing Like Your Much Younger DaughterPHOTO: Madonna dresses in a rather immature manner as she accompanies daughter Lourdes at JFK Airport in New York City.Moms, there’s a way to age gracefully that does not involve tapered-leg jeans and big, baggy sweatshirts. That way is not to raid your teenager’s wardrobe. Imagine what Lourdes, Madonna’s 15-year-old daughter, was saying as they walked through JFK last week. “Geez mom, did you HAVE to throw on that faux furvest/cardigan thing? What, the ski-bum beanie with the pom-poms wasn’t enough? Hang on, I’m just gonna … stop, and walk behind you for a while. Yeah, go on. It’s cool. Let’s keep about 30 feet between us.”

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